


for you

by dreamwayv



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, dont get together in the end, gwaine best boy, idk if ill write that bit, lol, really bad character study, still a happyish ending tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-16
Updated: 2020-06-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamwayv/pseuds/dreamwayv
Summary: "you know, there was a time when i would have died for you,"----i messed with the timeline quite a lot for no reason other than to make the angst just a little bit worse lol
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 37





	for you

**Author's Note:**

> the original prompt i used was :"you know, there was a time when i would have died for you," but i dont know if ill have the motivation to write to that bit of the story that i planned out so for now this is just kind of angst without them getting together at all but still a happyish ending

it had happened over night, three years into arthur's reign. albion had been at peace for nearly a year and a half. two months before, arthur had officially changed the laws on magic.

he had just been starting to feel comfortable in his position as king and hopeful for the future, when merlin vanished. a single note stating that he was fine and not to look for him. 

arthur, of course, looked for him. but the problem was, there wasn't a single trace of merlin. room barren, swept completely clean. not so much of a footprint in the woods. arthur no longer had many enemies, certainly none that would have any use of his man servant. so arthur had had no leads and no plan and had been forced to kind of just wait. it was merlin after all. as gwen reassured him, he could look after himself and was sure to just turn up some day soon. besides, arthur had thought to himself, he couldn't as well be seen to be putting so much effort in to finding a single servant. 

but that had been nearly a year ago. weeks had turned into months and now...

logically, arthur should have grieved. merlin suddenly went missing, without a single goodbye, and had not returned. the likely conclusion was that he was dead. but something in arthur, maybe naivety, kept him from believing that. 

each passing day he grew better at ignoring the ache in his chest. each day he got better at remembering to call for harold and not merlin. each day he grew better at hiding the loneliness from himself even. 

gwen (now an advisor in his council) and gwaine seemed to have taken to talking to each other to help deal with the pain. the other knights seemed to have taken it out on practice dummies and then, with time, moved on. 

arthur sometimes thought he would drive himself mad going through the same scenarios in his head, over and over. he was forced from time to time to consider the possibility that merlin really had left of his own accord. the thought always left him frozen. it couldn't possibly be right. merlin hadn't seemed any different in the days, months, before his disappearance. he had seemed a bit more subdued in the last twelve months or so, sure, but arthur figured this was a maturity thing. arthur was king and merlin was finally learning to not talk back all the time. 

even only in his head, arthur could hear how ridiculous that sounded. there had been something wrong, for a long time, and arthur, even now, was refusing to see it, hadn't wanted to admit it. 

but what could arthur possibly have done to drive merlin, his best friend, to disappear?

"and don't laze around tomorrow, you useless fool. the andathian king is visiting. no frequenting the tavern." 

gods that had been the last thing he'd said to him. nowhere near everything he'd wanted to have said as a proper goodbye. 

now he would never get the chance. 

\---

a year and a half ago

-

merlin tried to hid the grin behind his hands. in the end it hadn't taken much, just a small burst of magic and a lot of quick thinking and the magical relic was returned to the vaults and the intruders to the dungeons. it was a relatively small accomplishment in comparison to their usual stakes, yet merlin couldn't help but feel a little pleased with himself. no one suspected a thing and everything was back in order. he had outdone himself if he did say so himself.

"mERLIN!" arthur was apparently in a far worse mood. "just because everyone is distracted doesn't mean you get the morning off! NONE of my washing is done, my chambers are a mess, and i can't even FIND my armour let alone inspect if you've cleaned it." merlin could sense this was going to be one of his longer rants and so resigned himself to wait to celebrate his small victory later this evening. "honestly, you are the laziest person i've ever met. you couldn't even go a single day without being watched over to do your chores of your own volition." merlin's mood was very quickly taking a sharp dive. this is why he could never enjoy things. hiding everything he did was honestly exhausting. since gaius had passed, he was starting to really feel the brunt of lacking any and all validation and the burden of having no one to talk through things with. it didn't help that he didn't really have anyone to ask after his wellbeing or that his perhaps closest friend couldn't voice his own emotions in a healthy way for fear of coming close to dying. maybe that was it, maybe arthur was genuinely enchanted to not be able to show affection. 

"MERLIN! why is there still mud on these godforsaken BOOTS!" yeah, an enchantment. 

\---

it was all in good nature. he never really meant it. merlin knew this. he'd always known this. if the circumstance had been that merlin had signed up for the position of man servant, he would have been signing up, fully aware of the fact that this was involved. the teasing, the throwing things, the insults and jabs and lack of respect and dealing with a man with the emotional intelligence of a shoe and a complete inability to apologise. 

"merlin, you really are completely useless, you know that?" came the taunt as arthur made his way across the corridor towards him. 

it had always been like this. 

if merlin were asked to describe himself, amongst more humorous answers, 'unfailingly loyal' may have been one of his replies. he considered himself to be someone arthur would always be able to rely on. arthur was a good man and cared about his people endlessly. he was loyal to arthur. it was his destiny to be. 

but that was where the doubt had started. 

\---

looking around him, at the rubble piled up in the throne room, at cenred's once immortal soldiers, now dead men at his feet, merlin felt compelled to consider the possibility that there was no real destiny. 

over and over, his destiny turned out to be too vague or too late to mean anything or be of any use. over and over, merlin found his 'destiny' to just be the manipulation of various groups wanting various things from him. 

what there was, was a vague prophecy. 

"merlin!!" 

a prophecy that said nothing about being told he was an incompetent fool every day. 

\---

when he arrived in camelot, merlin had been a wandering boy, lacking skills and grace and direction in life. he had been lonely and needed a purpose. maybe that was why he was so ready to throw himself into believing in this 'destiny' by a self-serving dragon and so willing to give almost everything up for this arrogant prince. 

now, merlin liked to think he could see things a little more clearly. everything he did, everything he'd done over the last five years had been for arthur. all of it. for a man who told him he was a lazy good-for-nothing at least twice a week. five years ago merlin had been willing to risk everything for arthur, all to give his life some purpose, all so he wasn't an incompetent good-for-nothing. 

and over the half decade, nothing had changed. arthur cared for him, sure. he knew that. somewhere arthur did. but merlin sort of felt that he deserved a little better than to be made to feel foolish and childish almost every day. that he deserved to be openly shown this care. that he deserved to be shown love and a tiny bit of respect and gratitude. 

and merlin... he was starting to think he would never see that in camelot. 

\---

"really, merlin, your one job was to stop the warning bells and you couldn't even do that. you are completely useless. hiding here like a child. really, if you we're so scared you should have said so before hand." and merlin could see it, see the relief that he was ok in arthur's eyes... but it wasn't the same as hearing it. 

merlin watched as one by one, arthur sort out and hugged his knights, checking them over and praising them. not a single indignant word against lancelot, who surely should have been just as to blame. the vague thrill from the victory gave way to a tight coil around merlin's throat and he felt tears prick his eyes. arthur was never going to show him, be open with him. 

he tried to reflect on the fact that he very well nearly died for arthur minuets ago. he was loyal to arthur. he had always believed he had to be. 

the only thing giving him purpose. 

merlin stared at the man striding across the room. every bit the king he was going to have to become in the coming days. 

'i love him,' merlin thought slowly, clearly, 'but im not sure i can like him any longer.'

\---

from there it had just been months and months of a hardening of merlin's heart. day after day, he heard insults that he had started to give up on returning. if arthur noticed him being more quiet than usual he didn't show it.

merlin bit back the tears and resolutely didn't show how much it hurt whenever arthur would praise others but offer him only short barbs designed to mock and shame. they had just come back from the woods after defeating an attacking group of bandits. merlin took the horses by the reigns, led them towards the stables, leaving arthur to shout after him about how much of a girl he was for having hidden behind a tree during the attack. as if he hadn't stopped the sword pointing right at the brat's chest from coming anywhere near him. as if he hadn't helped sir leon out by descending a tree on his adversary. as if he wasn't the most powerful warlock to have ever lived. merlin swallowed passed the considerable lump in his throat. not turning back or offering anything in response to the laughter from the other knights at arthur's jabs.

when they were all out of sight, and merlin was just finished tying up the last horse, he stopped, stroking the beast's mane. his fingers tightened around the waves of hair and his throat closed up once more. 

he didn't want praise. he didn't. he didn't care that arthur, that no one, would ever know his power or what he could do. none of that really mattered in the end. he just wanted something the tiniest bit closer to friendship. something closer to family and love and acceptance. wanted the space to grow as a person, honestly, in front of others who cared.

sinking to the floor, breathing quickened, merlin felt himself breaking. the numbing pain of emotions he couldn't quite place. he couldn't stop the torrent of thoughts. thoughts about how he had to keep almost everyone at arms length and everyone he'd ever been truly himself with had been hurt for it and even people he was closest with there was always something stopping them from being true family. the numbness spread until he could register nothing around him and one singular thought penetrated merlin's mind. 'i have to get out. i have to get out of this place.' 

he choked on the sob clawing it's way out of his throat.

despite everything, he had never actually considered leaving. to keep arthur safe he had to be at his side. or... did he? could he not keep the king safe from a distance? from a nice home outside of camelot, a different city where he could work on his magic, learn more about healing, and live peacefully? did he really need to be this man's servant to fulfil the druid's prophecy? 

merlin didn't return to what had been gaius' chamber's that night. he sat, unmoving, in the stables. hope, a tiny, warm slice of hope had latched onto his heart and was not letting go. 

\-----

back to present

-

gwaine ducked out of the tavern, swaying slightly. to the on-looker, this was a night like any other- the vaguely debauched knight going his merry way. an art he had perfected over the many months. to be honest, he had never expected to need to learn how to present as drunk rather than just be drunk. where's the fun in that!? but these days, gwaine's acting could convince even the other knights. well, there was also the possibility that the smarter ones had noticed and were purposely not looking into the situation. there had been a couple months when their relationship was on rocky ground and had only recently found a quiet balance once again. no one wanted to disturb that. 

with the amount of alcohol one would presume he had just consumed, no one would question why he was going to be absent from practice tomorrow morning, leaving him enough time to ride out now and back before the afternoon. a perfect routine.

riding in the night had always been a bit of a secret pleasure for gwaine. the silence, as much as it may unnerve some, was exciting and calming all at once. he had loved it as a child and refound his peace in the activity in the recent months. just him and his horse, alone, stomping through the woods by moonlight. he fought a grin. 

the ride itself takes three hours total. relatively flat terrain, nothing too strenuous. still gwaine was always impatiently straining to catch a glimpse of the roofs of the houses on the outer edges of tir mor that meant he has arrived. he was always a little angsty about riding through cenred's kingdom, sue him. gwaine tide up the horse outside of a small but modest cottage on the edge of the city. the largest city in this part of the land. a thriving population with a diverse range of people and magic users. gwaine couldn't help the grin this time at the thought of merlin living here. every time he visited, it was like finding out a new, and being overjoyed for his friend once more. 

gwaine knocked softly against the door, that soon swung back to reveal a smiling merlin. of course, merlin was going to age a lot slower than the normal person, but gwaine couldn't help feeling like he looked older and wiser every time he came to visit. like he had a contentedness about him that only came with age.

merlin invited him to sit and so they spent the next few hours talking and eating and laughing until their eyes were drooping with exhaustion, just like every other time. "and then, my friend yen, who's a witch, but like a nice witch, you'd like her, she's lovely. i like her, she's lovely. well maybe lovely's not the right word but shes Good, you know. anyways, she told the dumb thief that it was our cart now and we were just going on our way. and so That is how we ended up feeding the kids down the road with food meant for the royals." merlin finished his rant with a satisfied smile and a rosy blush on his cheeks. every time gwaine was riding home he noted how his cheeks hurt from grinning for hours with his old friend. merlin deserved the world.

it was strange, not telling arthur. especially when he knew it was tearing arthur up. but gwaine's first allegiance had always been to merlin. when merlin was ready to see his old king. when arthur was ready to accept his actions. then they would work out what was best for everyone, in small steps. 

he thought back to when he first found merlin crying in the stables and found out about his magic and everything he had accomplished, everything he'd saved them from. looking at the man across from him, slumped happily in front of a fire in his own home, in a city he called home, with friends and a found family. it had been a tough, long year to get to here. but gwaine fully understood why merlin needed to leave. and now, he couldn't be happier for his friend.

"hold on was that you with the fire last week!!" merlin just grinned as the cogs in gwaine's brain started to turn. "you know, i thought i saw a dragon in the sky later that day. everyone said i was going mad..."

**Author's Note:**

> thank u for reading hope u liked it come say hi on [twit](https://twitter.com/antjcrowley?s=09)
> 
> \--  
> also just wanted to say i know merlin usually gives as well as he gets in the show but i wanted to explore the power dynamics and affect of how merlin gets treated more and basically just wanted to write merlin thriving, living his best magical life in a cool city somewhere away from destiny lol


End file.
